"I find such emptiness in your television shopping mall eyes.
If I had a heart, I swear you would break it."
- Henry Rollins
I love Henry Rollins. The above is a quote from one of his self-indulgent rants about how depressed and empty he is, or was, as it was written in the late 80s. I love how miserable he is. It is nice to know that there are people out there whom are naturally more miserable than I am. His early writing is almost unbearably down-beat. Unrelenting self-pity which is sometimes even too much for me! and I love that shit!
Not that I am miserale all of the time. In fact, right now, I am considerably happier than I have been for most of the year. I just get the feeling that my 'default' mood setting is 'miserable'. When I was a kid, my best friend's Mum used to call me 'Happy' (She was being ironicle). Even when I am actually happy, my body seldom allows me to express it. So although I may walk around with a face like a smacked arse -- I'm not pissed off, that is just my natural expression.
Worringly though, I know that there is something, somewhere deep down inside of me that is waiting for my life to go tits up, just so that I have an excuse to be miserable again. How fucked up is that? I had my heart broken this year, and as much as that sucked, I milked that fucking bitterness for all it was worth. I'm pretty sure part of me enjoyed the pain. I don't really know how to explain it in a way that will make sense to anyone other than myself. The 'writer' part of my brain was glad of the 'experience' of heart break. The knowledge of what it feels like to have your heart broken, to truly know, can only be gained one way... The hard way.
Believe it or not, I do try my very hardest to be positive and optimistic, but I can't help but feel like I am lying to myself whenever I am. My natural urge is to be just slightly cynical about everything. I don't know why this is. I want to trust people and see the best in people and I envy those who can achieve this effortlessly.
It's not even like I've been lied to a lot, or hurt, or mistreated... I could argue that the reason is because I have a shitty father, or that a girl broke my heart, or some other bullshit excuse. Maybe those aren't bullshit excuses, but they sure sound like bullshit! (See, I don't even trust myself!) Maybe I was just born like this? Or maybe everyone is like this, and the happy, smiley, optimistic people are the ones who are full of shit?
I saw Henry Rollins live on his spoken word tour in January of this year. He is a lot less cynical these days. He seems much happier and more comfortable in his own body. He will be 50 years old this coming Febuary. Maybe by the time I hit 50 I too will mellow out and learn not to be so fucking miserable. I hope it happens quicker than that! I also hope that I am not single by the time I get to 50, because although Henry is slightly less cynical, and slightly happier, he still has trouble making connections with women...