SHOCKtober is dead. With the passing of All Hallows' Eve and the dawn of November, it is laid to rest in a shallow grave where it will remain dormant for the next eleven months. Upon which time it will return, rising from the fiery depths of Hell, more maniacal and more blood thirsty than ever before.
In all seriousness, I watched a grand total of 29 horror movies in October. Pretty impressive, right? That is more horror movies than I watched in the previous nine months of the year put together.
Top five highlights of SHOCKtober 2011...
#1 - The complete and utter shock of how much I enjoyed Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. I wasn't expecting anything from it, I even watched it during the daytime, but I ended up enjoying the shit out of it!
#2 - The complete and utter shock that it took me three viewings, over a period of three years to notice just how amazing Juliana Guill's boobs are in the Friday The 13th remake. I can't help but imagine Juliana watching that movie back in twenty years time and weeping as she looks down at her saggy, depleted rack, wondering what the hell happened. Harsh times.
#3 - The enjoyed repeat viewing of The Strangers. Quality filmmaking.
#4 - The Evil Dead... in a cinema... on Halloween night.
#5 - Henry frickin' Rollins in Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. 'Nuff said.
Here are my mini reviews of the movies that I watched in THE FINAL CHAPTER...
April Fool's Day (2008) – A made-for-TV remake of an 80s slasher movie that apparently nobody liked in the first place. I'm not sure why I watched this, but I wish I hadn't. I definitely won't be watching the original any time soon.
Bones (2001) – Snoop Dogg plays the ghost of a 70s pimp. That's about all you need to know. Fun fact: Apparently between the 70s and 2001, nobody aged.
Race With The Devil (1975) – Satan worshipers don't like nosy City folk spying on their ritual sacrifice killings. Those motherfuckers will hunt you down!
The House of the Devil (2009) – Satan worshipers are sneaky motherfuckers. They will employ you to “babysit” for them, then try to impregnate you with a demon baby. Don't you hate it when that happens?!
Children of the Corn (1984) – Satan worshiping children are just as bad, if not worse, than Satan worshiping adults. Luckily, Linda “Sarah Conner” Hamilton was on hand to over power the little evil bastards.
Session 9 (2001) – Supernatural horror about a cleaning crew in an abandoned mental asylum. I'm starting to think that maybe Casper was a one off, because ghosts are never friendly!
Asylum (2008) – Again with the evil ghosts. A college dorm turns out to be a renovated mental asylum and the ghost of the asylum's doctor is not a happy bunny!
Ernest Scared Stupid (1991) - I didn't get a chance to watch Hocus Pocus so this was the only kids Halloween film I saw. For those not familiar with the “Ernest” character, he was like the 90s version of Pee Wee Herman. Equally annoying, equally creepy. It is a shame that the actor who portrayed Ernest is now dead, I was looking forward to an 'Ernest Vs. Pee Wee' spin-off movie. Tagline: “Whoever wins, children lose”.
The Evil Dead (1981) – Seeing it on a big screen really highlighted the ropey special effects and the terrible acting. The term “so bad, it's good” has never been more fitting.
...And that concludes the month of SHOCKtober. If anyone apart from my girlfriend has actually been following my SHOCKtober entries then I thank you, and I hope you enjoyed them. I just have one question: Is it too soon to start watching Christmas movies?