Thursday, 26 April 2012

STABILITY

I feel like I am learning to ride a bike for the first time. Somebody has just whipped the stabilizers off and left me at the top of a big hill. I can't see what awaits me at the bottom of the hill, but suddenly I am hurtling down it at a ferocious speed. There is a sense of impending doom in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that any second now I am about to crash and burn. About to be exposed as an imposter. A pretender. Weak.

There is nobody around to pick me back up if I do fall. No reassuring voices to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am alone. Hurtling towards the unknown.

I just want my stabilizers back, to be riding along a flat pavement with no cares in the world. Is there a nice flat pavement waiting for me at the bottom of the hill? Will I ever get to ride on a flat surface again? Maybe I am destined to stumble and fall down this hill forever, never reaching the bottom. Always on the brink of crashing. Always alone.

Fear of the unknown isn't uncommon. I'm a complete fucking cliché, to be exact. For all my talk and bravado of living life without a plan and following my nose (It's big enough, right?), It's all bullshit. Deep down, I need a plan. Or a distraction, at the very least. Some days I just don't believe I am strong enough to pull myself out of the rat race, and if I did, what then?!? Will I be able to get by on words alone? Do I even have anything relevant to say? A person could go insane thinking about this shit.

Life would be much easier without grand ambitions. Some days I wish I was just happy being a rat. Scurrying through life with all the other rats. Ignorance is bliss, right? What is wrong with being comfortable. Lazy. Numb.

I wish I could shake this feeling.

Productive action is needed. I can't rely on others to give me stability. I need to make things happen for me, not wait for them to happen to me. The stabilizers are not coming back. I know this. The only reassuring voice I have is my own. In the immortal words of P!nk "Don't let me get me". Be strong, stay on that fucking bike and ride the shit out of it.

If only I wasn't such a big fat scaredy cat.  

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