This past week has been one of the most bizarre weeks of my life. Rewarding, yes, but very bizarre. I finally feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. It is amazing how things can change so quickly; from an impending sense of doom in the pit of my stomach and feeling like I was stumbling through life with blindfolds on, to a sense of clarity. A clarity that I have seldom experienced before.
I have always been afraid of the future. I have always tried to hide from it, telling people I am 19 when I am really 25. Shying away from responsibility of any kind. I always thought that 'growing up' meant making big changes and big sacrifices but I now realise that those changes happen whether you like it or not. I have changed. For the better. I know this now. I can finally see it. I can feel it.
Yes, I still watch cartoons and wrestling and tell immature jokes and drink far too much alcohol, but that doesn't matter. I realise now that growing up isn't about changing the things on the outside. It isn't about throwing away those old dirty converse that you bought when you were 17 and can't bare to lose. It isn't about ditching cartoons and wrestling for news and politics. It isn't about deciding not to go to the pub and saving the money instead. It is about change on the inside. The things you love will never change, they may evolve and grow with you, but they will never leave you.
The change inside of me didn't happen over night. I became aware of it a month ago when I was forced to face life on my own and it took an accidental phone call and a conversation over a large cup of tea for me to realise that it had happened.
My ex-girlfriend gave me a lot of strength that I didn't know she had given me. I admire her courage and I am thankful that she left a little peice of it for me. When we were together I resented her because I felt that she was trying to force me to grow up and be somebody that I wasn't ready to be. Ironically now that she has left and forced me to look at myself, I have found that I am now ready to be that person.
The funny thing is that it took a chance encounter with my ex-ex-girlfriend, the one I have actively avoided for over two years, to make me see those changes. I have no reason to fear her anymore. There is nothing she can do now to hurt me now. I am finally free. Weight = Lifted.
This new found clarity leads me on to thinking about the city I currently live in. I love Brighton. I have always wanted to live there, and it has been a great home to me for almost a year now. But I am beginning to question if it is the right place for me to be at my current station in life. Why am I really there? What am I getting out of it? It is so expensive to live there that I don't get to do any of the fun things that the city has to offer. I don't go to gigs, or explore new pubs and cafes, I don't get to enjoy the shops because I never have any spare money. I just exist. I work, I eat, I go to the same pub every Friday night, and then the cycle repeats. I could do that in my home town, except the living costs would be significantly lower and I'd also have all of my friends close by. Brighton will still be there, close by, waiting for me to return.
I need to start being responsible, and realistic, about my financial situation. That doesn't mean not going to the pub every Friday night, but it might mean leaving the city I love and moving back to the town that I no longer have any need to avoid. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I am ready for it.
Plus, I was out in Hastings on Friday night with a group of old friends that I haven't laid eyes on in far too long, and I noticed something... there are some hot chicks here. Hot chicks that wear Converse. This town can't be all that bad!