Monday, 29 July 2013

UNEMPLOYED IN SUMMERTIME

Today is my first official day of being unemployed having finished up my months notice at work this past Friday. It was a bizarre feeling not having to drag myself out of bed this morning. The bitch of it is that I still woke up at 7AM anyway (Admittedly I swiftly went back to sleep).

I had been working in the same call centre for precisely one year and eight months. Nobody should ever work in a call centre that long! When I started there my intention was to stay for six months then attempt to find something better/different. Well, I got comfortable and I got complacent. I enjoyed having a pay check at the end of each month and that attempt to find something better/different never came to fruition.

It was an easy job, nothing the average school drop out couldn't handle. Certainly not something that one would want to make a career out of, unless you had literally no other options (In which case, sucks to be you!). For me, it was a stop-gap. A means to an end. A way to ensure a roof over my head and tea in my cup. A way to ensure that I could carry on writing without having to be successful at it (Yet. Or ever. What do I even mean by "successful"?). Suffice to say, anyone who has worked in a call centre will know, it begins to melt your fucking brain after a while. The writing dried up. I went from doing it without "success" to just not doing it. Alas, I have been pretty successful at not doing it.

I have barely put pen to paper at all in the last twelve months. A spurt of creativity came in April when I finished the first draft of To The Sea, but that disappeared as quickly as it arrived. The main problem I have had is that I just don't feel inspired or motivated anymore. I don't have ideas the way I used to. Maybe a "real" writer shouldn't wait for inspiration to strike and should just grit their teeth, sit down and do it. Maybe I am not cut out to be a writer? I don't know. I am hoping that now that my days are not consumed by having to explain shit that I don't care about to a never ending stream of idiots and arseholes, my mind will recover.

The main reason, or rather the "physical" reason, for quitting my job is because I am moving back to my home town. After five years of independence I am moving back in to my family home with my parents. Urgh. Once the novelty of no longer having to worry about paying bills and buying my own food wears off, it is going to suck. The plan is to find a job (Probably in another call centre. Joy.) so that I can save up some money in order to travel to Canada.

Canada is somewhere that I have been drawn to my whole life. I have no idea why. Recently, whatever it is that has been drawing me there feels significantly stronger. The time feels right to get up and go. I will not worry about writing, or wait for inspiration, I am just going to live. Gain some motherfuckin' "life experience". I am only 26, I am in no rush to have everything figured out right away. I don't want the perfect career, or a fucking mortgage, or a family, or whatever. I just want to live. All that other shit is Future Martin's problem. Hopefully he will be more equipped to deal with it than I am right now.

I am not expecting Canada to save me. I am not even sure that I need saving. Whatever happens will happen, and I am ready for it. A sentence that I wrote in a blog post last November seems incredibly fitting right now: 

"I will not let fear hold me back. I am lost. I am free. I am alive. Embrace. Believe. Live."

I have a couple of weeks left in Brighton before I move away. I intend to spend that time getting drunk with my friends, going on adventures, going to gigs, and generally just playing silly buggers until my money runs out. Because the only thing that I will miss about my life here is my friends. I have a fair idea about which friendships will stand the test of time and which ones will fade into the recesses of memory. I am not the kind of person that makes friends easily. I am kind of socially awkward and shy (Until I have a few ciders in me, that is) so when I do make a friend, they tend to be for life.


14 comments:

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    1. I don't feel much of either, but thank you.

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  2. Awesome post. Congrats on moving forward--being a 20something really is the time to explore and adventure. I'm unemployed in the summertime too, thanks for the song!

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    1. It's a great song. If you like it, you should check out more of her stuff. She is amazing. Her album 'Fisherman's Woman' is one of my all time favourites.

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  3. Congrats on making your latest leap! Canada, eh? I hear the women are awesome and smart there. Where in the great white north have you set your sights on?

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    1. Awesome and smart, eh? :) Sounds good. Funnily enough my eyes and my heart are both set on Toronto.

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  4. I had one of those jobs before I moved to California...and I was there for a year and a half even though when I started, I only meant to be there for like three months. Awful. And then I got out, and then it got better. So maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for you! Living with your parents might not be the ideal situation, but SO many people are doing it these days, so you're not alone, and it'll give you an opportunity to save up moolah, which is a huge deal. Where in Canada do you want to go?

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    1. The fact that so many graduates are moving back to their parents doesn't make me feel any better, in the slightest. But I appreciate the sentiment. I am heading for Toronto!

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  5. First of all, congratulations on dragging yourself out of (what seems like, based on your description) a rut. Those are the hardest things to drag yourself out of.

    I know it can be kind of unnerving to figure out what's next and how much more you can take of your parents (no matter how much you love them) before you lose your mind, but take your time. Honest. (i.e. don't do what I did and run away as quickly as possible.)

    Second, on writing. You musn't be so hard on yourself. I don't put a lot of stock in 'advice for writers' or whatever, but Cheryl Strayed (whose advice columns, writing, general Q&As or what-have-you all break my heart on a regular basis) has often talked about how hard she works at writing. I want to link you to this Dear Sugar piece she wrote a very long time ago that I go back to when I feel so overcome by (my perceptions of) my own inadequacies: http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-48-write-like-a-motherfucker/

    Third, Canadiaaaaa! It's always an incredibly experience to make it where you've been wanting to go. I hope this shift is exactly what it needs to be for you.

    Fourth, don't doubt how brave it is to let go of security- and even a stop gap job can give you that- and of familiarity for the uncertainty and the unknown. Be gentle with yourself. x

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    1. Oh, Risha. You so wise. Thank you for your kind words. Also, thank you for the link to that Dear Sugar piece, I hadn't read that one before. I freakin' LOVE The Rumpus. A wonderful wesbite.

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  6. Replies
    1. well THAT was weird, for one second i forgot that you're 8 hours ahead of me, and the date said July 31st and I temporarily freaked out about why I didn't have my paycheck yet. ITS FINE NO WORRIES.

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  7. Great post :)
    I hope you enjoy Canada as we switch countries! haha

    I hear you on call centre work. I currently work at one (only because it is a 6 month contract and it paying for London) and I agree. A monkey could do a call center job and I would never do it as a career.
    Never doing it again after this!

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    1. Thank you, Nicole. What do you plan to do once you get to London?

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